Child custody disputes are among the most emotionally charged legal matters a person can go through. The stakes are high, the feelings run deep, and the decisions made during this process can affect families for years or even generations.
So, we asked five family law attorneys at Coker, Robb & Cannon, Family Lawyers what they tell clients is the single most important thing to avoid in a custody case. We expected a range of answers. What we got was the same core message, five separate times, before the last attorney even finished speaking.
Never speak negatively about the other parent to or within earshot of your children.
That’s it. Every attorney, without coaching or coordination, came back to the same point. Here’s what each of them had to say and why it matters more than most parents realize.
“It can cause long-term damage to the children — often worse than the other parent’s behavior itself.”
Duane L. Coker, Board Certified Family Lawyer and Founding Shareholder of Coker, Robb & Cannon, Family Lawyers, framed it this way:
“Parents in a contested divorce or custody case should never speak poorly of the other parent to, or within the hearing of, the kids. This is true no matter how angry or frustrated they are with the other parent’s behavior. While this is often actually prohibited by Court Orders in these types of cases, it is a bad idea even when it’s not. It can cause long-term damage to the children — often worse damage than the other parent’s ‘bad’ behavior — and, should the Judge find out, can likewise severely damage the case of the parent who involved the kids.”
— Duane L. Coker, Board Certified Family Lawyer & Founding Shareholder
The point Coker makes about court orders is worth underscoring: in many contested custody cases in Texas, a judge will explicitly prohibit parents from speaking negatively about each other in front of the children. Violating that order isn’t just a parenting failure; it can often be considered contempt of court.
“You have to be the bigger person in every interaction.”
Sarahi Saucedo, an attorney in the firm’s Fort Worth office, approaches this from a strategic as well as a personal angle:
“You have to be the bigger person in each interaction with the other parent. This helps create a clear distinction between your willingness to coparent and the other parent’s refusal to do so.”
— Sarahi Saucedo, Attorney, Fort Worth Office
This is practical advice that cuts both ways. Courts observe patterns. If one parent is consistently cooperative and child-focused while the other is combative and critical, that contrast becomes part of the record. Saucedo’s point is that how you conduct yourself — in every exchange, not just the ones you think are being watched — shapes the narrative that ultimately reaches the judge.
“Your children could be asked to speak with the judge or a custody evaluator.”
Malorie Crosley, attorney and shareholder in the firm’s Tarrant County office, adds a dimension that surprises many parents.
“Keep in mind that if your case is contested, there is a chance that the child or children could be required to speak with the judge or a custody evaluator about a wide variety of topics — not just what you say about the other parent, but whether anyone has talked to them about the litigation, or how they see you relate to the other parent. Furthermore, in a custody evaluation, all children in the home could be required to speak with the custody evaluator. Keeping all the children insulated from this process and any personal negative feelings is absolutely paramount.”
— Malorie Crosley, Attorney & Shareholder, Tarrant County Office
This is a critical point that parents often don’t anticipate. A child who has been exposed to one parent’s grievances, even casually in passing, may repeat those things to an evaluator or in chambers with a judge. Children are honest. They don’t filter the way adults do. What they say in those settings carries significant weight.
“The best gift you can give your child right now is the freedom to still be a child.”
Jane Mullis, an attorney in the firm’s Denton office, brings it back to something simple and true:
“The best gift a parent can give a child during a custody dispute is the freedom to remain a child. Let the attorneys handle the legal issues, let the court handle the legal decisions, and allow the children to focus on school, friends, family, and simply being kids.”
— Jane Mullis, Attorney, Denton Office
It’s easy, in the middle of a custody fight, to lose sight of what the whole thing is supposed to be about. The legal process exists to protect the children. Mullis’s reminder is that the most protective thing a parent can do, regardless of what happens in court, is to shield their kids from the weight of the adult conflict around them.
“When you attack the other parent, you’re attacking part of your child too.”
Shelby Hart, attorney and shareholder in the firm’s Frisco office, offered what may be the most powerful framing of all — one he traces back to something a judge once said:
“One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard from a judge was this: never bad-mouth your co-parent to your children.
Your children are made up of 50% you and 50% of the other parent. When you tell your child that their mom or dad is a terrible person, a liar, selfish, or ‘the reason all of this is happening,’ you’re not just attacking the other parent. In a child’s mind, you’re attacking part of them too.
I’ve seen parents become so focused on winning the case or proving they’re right that they lose sight of how those comments affect their children. The damage can last far longer than the lawsuit. Children often internalize those messages and begin to question their own worth, identity, and relationship with both parents.
From a legal standpoint, it’s also one of the quickest ways to hurt your credibility with the court. Judges expect parents to protect their children from the conflict, not pull them into it. When a parent involves the children in adult disputes, uses them as messengers, or speaks negatively about the other parent, it often becomes evidence that the parent is putting their own feelings ahead of the children’s best interests.
No matter how angry you are, no matter how justified you feel, let your children be children. They don’t need to know the details of the lawsuit, and they shouldn’t be asked to choose sides. Let the court handle the legal fight. Your job is to protect your kids from it.”
— Shelby Hart, Attorney & Shareholder, Frisco Office
The One Thing to Remember
Five attorneys. Five different perspectives, offices, and styles. One answer.
If you take nothing else from this post, take this: whatever you say about the other parent within your children’s hearing will likely find its way into your case, into your children’s memories, and potentially into their sense of self long after the custody order is signed.
Your children are watching how you handle this. So is the court.
If you have questions about a custody matter in Texas, our attorneys from Coker, Robb & Cannon, Family Lawyers are here to help. Contact us at (940) 293-2313 or use an online contact form to schedule a consultation.